Pastor Matt Bernsdorff
Over the last few years I have had several people ask me the same question: "What was it that caused the change in my life?" For this reason I have decided to put down on paper my testimony. My name is Matt Bernsdorff. I am currently thirty years old, and the year is 2002. My prayer is that this story would be a help and encouragement to whoever reads it. I can find no other title for my testimony than…
A Growing Void That Found A Graceful Victory
I was born in Sylvania, Ohio on November 13, 1971. My Mom and Dad raised me in a wonderful home, with an older brother and sister. When I think of my childhood, I have great memories! It was full of fun, excitement, and adventure. I always hung out with my brother-in-law, Tony, who pushed life to the limit. We did a lot of fun and crazy things together which I can't mention at this time. My parents had always expressed their love for me with words and actions. At times, I would often wonder why I had it so good. I had the opportunity to play on a soccer team that traveled all over the world. If I wasn't playing soccer, I was either on the basketball court or at the country club playing golf. My parents were always involved in everything I did and I never wanted to let them down. At times, I found myself opening the big family Bible under the coffee table for curiosity sake. I was naturally drawn to the book of Revelation every time. It was here in chapter 3:16 that I was greatly disturbed. The Lord said that lukewarmness towards Him was not acceptable! He said it would be better to be cold or hot than lukewarm. He would spue the lukewarm out of His mouth! I didn't understand much of what I read, but I knew one thing for sure, my life was not completely turned over to Him. As I reached the end of high school, I began to wonder what life had in store for me. There had always been the goal of finding the ultimate love and living life to its fullest potential. Looking back, I can see that this goal was greatly hindered by one person. Myself! Selfishness and pride leads to jealousy, which will hinder any relationship and the pursuit of happiness (usually at the expense of others). At the time, I had no idea that I was so self-centered and egotistical. Most of my problems, whether personal or having to do with others, stemmed from this root of selfishness. This was not the right mindset for marriage, but a certain girl named Victoria had come into my life and had stolen my heart. Before you knew it, I had a home, wife, kids and a career.
It was a hot summer day, about eighty two degrees and sunny. I was in the backyard lying on a raft in the pool. As I looked around the yard, I thought to myself, life is good! I've got steaks on the grill, my own home, cars, a beautiful wife who I love, great kids, family, friends, parties… and the list went on and on. As I finished reflecting on how great life was, it was at that moment I heard a gentle small voice say, "Something is missing… Something is missing… Something is missing." This began to bother me because I was having what I thought to be a perfect day. From that moment on I began to be keenly aware and curious of the reality that there was a small void in my life. What was it? Why was it there? I didn't know. On that day, it was as though my heart had received a hairline fracture. What I wasn't ready for was that this fracture would slowly grow into a gaping void.
As I began to search for what was missing, I did my best to fill the void. Maybe I wasn't making enough money. Maybe I didn't have enough friends. Maybe I needed a bigger house. Whatever it was, I was going to find it. I found myself becoming very discontent with everything. I wasn't happy with myself or my wife or anything for that matter. The frustration that I had began to rub off on Vickie. This began to put a great strain on our marriage. All looked well on the outside, but after the parties and dancing were over, we weren't very happy with each other, to say the least. Alcohol became my secret refuge and so called "fix". Depression was a frequent struggle bringing with it a desire to sleep or drink away my problems. Almost every night driving home from work, my mind would be filled with thoughts of the afterlife. Where am I going to go after I die? Will it be better than here? Maybe I should drive off the road and end my life now. The pressure to find answers was growing so great that I was becoming desperate. In the mean time, I began to notice that my own personal character and morality was depreciating. It was as if I was losing control of my life. I justified my behavior by thinking that this was the way God made me, so it must be ok. This however gave me no peace. One day we had a meeting at the kid's school with a guidance counselor. We were there to discuss our daughter's classes and some typical school stuff. At the close of our meeting, the counselor asked a casual question, "How is everything with you two?" There was dead silence for a few seconds. This was the religious counselor of the church that we were attending. Maybe she had answers! I responded, "Not so good". The look on Vickie's face was as if she had seen a ghost! The counselor surprisingly had no questions or any advice to offer, but I sure did get some on the way home. I was done pretending. We didn't know where to turn and began to lose hope. Vickie and I had come to the agreement that we did not love each other anymore and it looked like separation or divorce was on the horizon.
It was a late morning as I was getting ready for work. Vickie had just gotten home from a ladies Christian brunch that she was invited to. As I was in the family room ironing my shirt, she came over to me and asked me a question that I'll never forget. She said, "Can I ask you a question?" I said, "WHAT!" She said, "What are the top 10 most important things in your life?" Now my response at first was very defensive. I asked her if she had been talking to Laura, my sister in law. Laura was always trying to tell us about God and the Bible and all that Jesus stuff. She said, "ANSWER THE QUESTION!" After I realized she meant business, I gave her my self-righteous list. The first would be my job. She asked about the family and I told her that without the job I couldn't support the family. Then came the family. Then came getting into a bigger house. Then came my health. At this point she stopped me, and with tears in her eyes, she said, "WHAT ABOUT GOD?" She told me that she thought God might be missing in our marriage. Now this was a blow to my spiritual pride because I was the spiritual one in the family. I always knew that there was a God, and because I knew this, I thought I was very spiritual. I always prided myself on being a man of faith. I was far from it, but things were about to change.
Maybe Vickie was right. Maybe I needed some spiritual guidance or enlightenment. I began to plea my case to as many people as I could. After church one Sunday morning, I had anxiously found the "minister" who conducted the service and desperately told him of the void that I had in my life. I asked him what I needed to do to get peace in my life. He told me that I should sign up to go pick up trash at a local park. This direction just didn't seem like it would do. I needed to find out how to get the trash out of my life! I still considered going and trying to get involved. I was familiar with the basic principles of religion and was disturbed by the deadness and lack of answers that I had received. Out of desperation I considered looking outside of my own religious denomination. I began to read all kinds of spiritual books looking for answers. In the evenings at home, it became common practice to get the ladder out and climb on to the roof. I would stare up at the stars for hours. "God, if you're up there, and I know you are, will you please speak to me? If you can hold those stars up there, then I know it would be nothing for you to come down here and talk to me. What is my purpose in life? Is this all there is? What happened to the love I had for Vickie? What happened to the good life?" This diligent search went on for months. In the mean time I had my palm read, consulted with psychics, and got all kinds of advice. Finally, I thought I found it! I heard about a tribe of Indians who lived out in Utah. For five hundred dollars, you could go out there and spend four days with them. Supposedly they could tell you who you were in a past life. I thought this would help me tremendously. Maybe this would give me direction in this life! This retreat was only two months away and I was determined to go. In the mean time, I had a customer at work named Debbie, who I had been talking to. I told her what was going on in my life and how I was searching. She told me of a retreat that she and her family were involved with that could very well change my life. Without thinking about it for one second I said, "Ok, I'll go." The sooner, the better. All I had heard was that lives had been changed and marriages saved by God's love and power. I didn't understand how that could work for me, but one thing I knew was that I needed to get away to think things out. God however, had something else in store.
I was picked up from my home and we had about an hour and a half ride to the church. This retreat was for men only. There were about thirty of us guys who came in and signed up. They made us take our watches off and told us that we were not aloud to talk about our work. They were very organized and wanted our attention on God. One of the leaders had mentioned that by the end of the retreat, you may not want to leave. This was funny to me because I was already thinking of how to sneak out at night. The next day we began to have our sessions. There were about five or six talks all geared towards God's unconditional love and Christian character. I was so entrenched in the talks that I took thorough notes. This was something very uncommon for me. There was a song service in between each session. The Spirit behind the singing began to touch me like nothing I had ever felt before. It was an emotion that began to draw me, but I didn't know where it was taking me. I didn't want the singing to stop. I softly mouthed the words, but my spirit was crying out as if I was going to burst. This was very mysterious to me. That evening, I was emotionally touched with the idea that Jesus Christ had died on the cross FOR ME PERSONALLY! This was something that I was aware of, but for some reason it became more personal. I was choked up by this, but suppressed the emotion as much as I could. As I shrugged it off, it was time for us to sleep. The next day was when it all happened.
The day was October 21, 1997. It must have been around 1:00 PM when they had us make our way to the church auditorium. We all came in and sat down. I was sitting about ten or eleven pews from the front with everyone else sitting in front of me. I couldn't help but notice all the tissue boxes in every pew. It seemed odd to me that so many people needed tissues. As the sun's rays glistened through the stained glass and shot across the church I sat patiently with ready ears and a ready heart. The pastor stood in front and began to speak so compassionately about how God has a purpose and plan for each and every one of us. He went on to tell us that we have choices to make in life that can either go along with or hinder this plan. The focus was then put on the life of Jesus. He made a choice to live for others and to pay the penalty for the sins of the whole world. As He went to the cross, He was mocked, spat upon, and His beard was ripped off. He was beaten so badly that He became unrecognizable. He was nailed to a cross and hung there while his blood poured out as a payment for sin. It was not a long message, but it was powerful. He then gave an invitation to respond. I remember what he said as if it were yesterday. He asked us to take ten or fifteen minutes to think of one sin that has been holding us down and causing problems in our lives. Knowing that Jesus died and became that very sin on the cross, we can hand it over to Him to take it away. Be honest with yourself. If you're not honest with yourself, you can not be honest with God. As I sat there I thought that I would consider doing what he said. I had nowhere else to go, so I would think for a few minutes.
I began to think of one sin that I had in my life. That wasn't too hard. As I began to try to justify this sin like I normally did, I realized what Jesus went through because of that sin! The consequence was great. I began to consider all that He went through for me. It was for me! For me! For me! Matt Bernsdorff's personal sins were paid for on that cross. This was not just a religious concept any more. This was personal. A personal Saviour. More sins came to mind, then more sins. I saw that my whole life was motivated by my sinful, selfish behavior. It was all about me! This is why I was so lost and miserable. This is why my life was falling apart. My sin has burdened me down. Not only that, but look at how much Jesus loves me! He did all of this for me and I had never let Him into my life. He should be the main focal point of my life, I thought, not just a part of a religious ideology. What am I going to do? As my heart began to beat faster, I found myself at a fork in the road. I remembered that my lukewarm attitude of Revelation 3:16 was in direct opposition to the passionate love of John 3:16. For the first time I realized that I was trapped in the dungeon of sin. I saw my sin for the very first time the way God sees it. This brought a nauseating pain to my stomach. I didn't just sin against myself and man, I sinned against God! My own self-righteousness couldn't get me out. Could I really give my rotten, disgusting sins to Jesus? Would He really take them from me? I had no other choice! There was no other hope! As my body began to shake and quiver, tears began to flow like a fountain. I made up my mind that I would give all my sins to Jesus. As I desperately gave my sins over to Jesus by faith, I told God that I didn't want anything to come between us anymore. At that moment, it was as if God had put His arm on my shoulder and said, "Its ok, I love you." It felt as though Jesus was waiting for me in this place of shame and despair. He was already there! At that exact moment, the chains fell off and He took me up out of this horrible place. The love that I felt is indescribable! The nauseating shame and guilt was gradually overshadowed by His grace and love. Thankfulness flooded my soul for what Jesus had done for me. I found peace! I found contentment! I found forgiveness! I found grace! I found the "ultimate" love! I found Jesus, my Saviour!
As I made my way to the restroom a little later, I went to the sink to splash some water on my face. When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone different. I could look myself in the eye in a way I could never do before. It hit me all of a sudden! This is what I have been searching for my whole life. God was trying to draw me in and I have been fighting this whole time. It was the Lord that I was looking for, but I was blind. He had to open my eyes. That night was a very special night. I found a room off to the side and just sat there talking to the lord. The mental picture He had burned into my mind was that my life and soul was now in His hands. I didn't get to sleep until 5:00AM. I was amazed at what happened to me. How could God love me so much? I didn't deserve His love and forgiveness, but He still gave it to me. I came into a relationship with God that day. As I sat there praying and trying to sing a few of the songs that I had learned, I found myself walking outside the room to the side doors of the church. I couldn't stop looking up at the stars with amazement! It was different now. I wasn't amazed with the stars anymore. I was amazed that I had just met the One who made them. My desperate search was over. God spoke to me. The stars became even more beautiful. I knew my whole life was going to change.
As I was traveling back home, everything looked different. My concern was that this whole experience was just an illusion and that it would slowly vanish away. I never wanted the love of Christ to escape my heart. I didn't know what to expect. There were two specific things that God had told me I was to do. The first thing was to go home and love Vickie with an unconditional love. The second thing was to tell the world about the love of Jesus Christ and how He can forgive sins. I couldn't wait to get home and share this love with Vickie. For the first time I began to realize that real love is not just words or a feeling. It was something that is to be put into action. Real love is not jealous, proud, or selfish. It is unconditional and sacrificial. I now had the pattern of Christ to follow. As Vickie opened the door I saw the gloomy shadow of the old life lingering on her countenance. This was soon removed by a curious look on her face. She saw someone different. She marveled at the new found peace and spirit that I had. She said that it seemed as if I was glowing. I could see in her eyes a shimmer of hope that something miraculous had happened, but she didn't know what it was. I couldn't wait to tell her. We sat down on the couch and she asked me what happened. As I took a moment to think of how to tell her that I love her more than words could express, I'm sorry for not being the husband and father I should be, and that God loves her so much, I broke down crying like never before. She wrapped her arms around me and for the rest of the day I told her of everything that had happened. This was the beginning of our new life.
My prayer that day was that Vickie and the kids would come to know the Lord personally and that we could both work together in serving Him someday. God answered my prayer! Some said it was just a phase that I was going through, but I'm glad they don't say that anymore. I certainly have much growing to do as a Christian, but thank God He has given me power to overcome struggles and temptations that I once had no control over. I no longer wonder about where I am going to go after I die. There is a sweet peace and contentment that sings grace to my soul. My assurance is not in myself, it is in Jesus Christ alone to get me to Heaven. Jesus said in John 10:27-28, "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand." As far as God speaking to me… I don't have to search so far anymore. Come to find out, He wrote a whole book to all mankind called the Bible. What a difference the Bible makes when you know the author! He speaks to me every day now.
"All my life long I had panted for a drink from some cool spring
That I hoped would quench the burning of the thirst I felt within
Feeding on the husks around me till my strength was almost gone
Longed my soul for something better only still to hunger on
Well of water ever springing Bread of life so rich and free
Untold wealth that never faileth my redeemer is to me
Hallelujah! I have found Him whom my soul so long had craved
Jesus satisfies my longings through His blood I now am saved"
(Ephesians 2:8,9)
For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.
(1John 5:13)
These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God.
(Romans 10:9-13)
That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
(John 14:6)
I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
(1Corinthians 15:57)
Thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Service Times
Sunday School 9:45AM
Morning Worship 11:00AM
Evening Service 6:00PM
Wed Bible Study 7:00PM
